SkyS-h-a-d-e

Words tumble, dribble, drip
Out the shallow river mouths of deep, vast minds.
To call the currents forth is to call myself a friend and
to let others see past pure waters always kept in dark reservoirs
(that probably should've stayed)
Other similar minds:  the currents don't yield, the damn splits apart
(out flows words to which)
(my ears feel the regret)
(empathetically)
(pathetically)

Yet it reminds me of times I felt as if I was the only one grinding against the rocks.
Hah, look at me, smiling at someone else's suffering, smiling at how I'm not alone.

I tried writing in a "real journal" for once, but it's not suiting me. It takes such old-fashioned patience to slow your mind to the nauseating drawl of your hand. Now, I'm caving in to my impatience and spilling my thoughts on a digital canvas rather than trickling them on an analog one. Perhaps it's this impatience that'll be my enemy in the future. But if impatience is truly such a hamartia, then humanity and I will fall as ashes to the same furnace.

I've been thinking quite deeply on this "contract" that I spoke of in the previous entry and have concluded that I've made the conditions too rigid in an effort to scare myself. Many questions arose that spurred this conclusion such as if I fail to, say, brush my teeth or check my workspace, have I just earned a strike? Or what will happen if I follow a rigid schedule and it completely burns me out by the end of the week? Is that effective? Have I succeeded in my goal?

Well, my goal in the first place was to prove to myself that I can attain the skills to materialize my dreams with my own hands, while still remaining happy. If I am too rigid with myself, perhaps that will sacrifice happiness. Therefore, I feel that I must separate those that I absolutely want to do, and what I don't necessarily need to do. I'm chasing happiness, not a deadline. I may be borderline beating myself into labor and focusing more on delivery and quantity of labor. But happiness, I think, is more built on having pride in oneself. Doing what you expect from yourself at the end of the day. For me, that's doing schoolwork the second I can, and motivating myself to focus on the disciplines needed for me to continue. Let's put it this way, then: Activities are priority, Necessities are way below that (they don't result in strikes), and Passivities are below that. Hopefully I uphold my Necessities despite no net to catch me.

I also think that a necessary part of the Passivities is to look back and appreciate the things I've done that day that I don't usually do. I also think I should keep a diary which falls under the Passivities bracket.

So, what does it take to earn a strike? I've experienced that if I put off work an hour, I'll put it off another and another, and then a day. So, if I define a section, I must stick to it or else I get a strike. How strictly? let's say ±5 minutes at first, then I'll make it 0 minutes if I continuously wait. From there, I have until 6 for homework, 8 if I have a lesson that day or if after school stuff occurs. During Cinderella times, it's until 6, but disciplines are relieved those days (don't feel guilty). Each day will have a Boolean value: Errands or no Errands, marked by a red E or the lack of on the calendar. Such Errands will last an hour and will occur from 5-6. If lesson or after school, then they're excused. Perhaps, I'll conceive a new section for hygiene, tidying, and (re)-planning (does not include writing in diary) called Gathering. This will take place from 11-12(±30 minutes).

So, in all, there are H (homework), A (art (let's not call it discipline)), G (gathering (getting my bearings)), and R (relax). An E (errands) is optional.

I mustn't browse YouTube passively; videos I find interesting will be reserved for relax time, and be put in the Watch Later playlist.

Any unexpected Errands (either for family, or the need for coffee) must be done smoothly, meaning I do not touch my computer for 30 minutes after the errand is run.

Practicing piano will be a constant for the A section (comprises 2 hours every other day (Boolean: P)).

Free time at the end of the H section should be filled with more H activities (read extra, write extra, extra pages on packets) unless there are none. In which case, the A section begins early. Free time for the E section will become the H section; if no more homework is needed, then the prior statement applies. There is no such thing as free A section time. 

I'll probably delete this by sunrise, again.

People are more than binary. I've advocated this for years, but if I had to simplify any attribute of human characteristics, it'd be the dichotomy of Activity and Passivity. I've probably discussed this before, but I'd reiterate just for old time's sake.

Activity and Passivity, to me, are concepts that constantly antagonize each other within a person's mind. In my experience, they are also known as Motion and Rest, respectively, and – with Newton's First Law being a thing and all – we know that, should these concepts also genuinely apply to the human psyche, it is easy for one to slip into one state or the other. A true master of an efficient work ethic, I'd hypothesize, is one who can shift from one to the other as if it were a gearshift or a switch. I must clarify that I don't see passivity as a devilish being; I know that due to hyperbolic discounting, learning how to "wait for it" can be beneficial as well.

But lately, I've been waiting for nothing, which, contrary to what I would've thought a few months ago, is actually quite a rejuvenating experience. I've spent so many months of my life beating myself up for not materializing in my hands the plethora of hopes and dreams I've drafted in my head that I've abandoned my happiness. My logic being that by suffering from a lack of sleep or peace of mind, I'd get a return on my investment down the road. But I failed to consider that such things are not goals but consequences of sickeningly hard – almost obsessive – working habits, an ability that I lack and am actually content lacking for the time being.

In other words, I was unhappy about my complacency, which many have struggled with. In fact, last year, around my birthday, a YouTuber that I follow named boyinaband posted a video regarding his struggles with this exact same affliction and his efforts to overcome it. In said video, he mentioned that he was glad he was measuring his productivity on "effort instead of output." I connected with this quite a bit, as I always measured productivity by output, and still have an inclination to. He also notes that the one thing that got him out of it was a terribly intense "commitment contract" that scares me like it did him. However, I have decided that I plan on devising my own commitment contract – first without threat, then with – this week.

Somewhere in the mess of paragraphs above, I mentioned how I didn't think Passivity was intrinsically bad. An upcoming school project reminded me of the Greek tale of Laelaps and the Teumessian Fox, and because I didn't feel like separating it, I'll just mention here the parallels between Laelaps and Passivity and the Teumessian Fox and Activity. But I digress... it is not Passivity that irks me, it's Hedonism.

Hedonism is just Happiness injected with botox and made to strip for the camera. I resent Hedonism; I believe that it is because of Hedonistic feelings that I truly slack off on achieving a true sense of happiness. I look at my computer and go on it for hours, consuming products I am too "preoccupied" to produce myself. I'm addicted to this dopamine of routine, stricken by this fear of deviating from the path of least resistance. Hedonism is like the devil's promise of riches when such things are not what matters at all. However, I do not want to rid myself of all relaxing activities; most people I admire find a balance of "work" and "play." But I really must prioritize: strip away the pleasures that have no use to me other than to treat my brain. Now, I most fear ridding myself of daydreaming, but I'll just remind myself how I can do that at night as well.

So, I don't want to live a life of Hedonism. I have experienced the almost electrical shot of a sudden, fresh idea and the satisfying mix of inspiration and excitement that follows. I've felt the warmth of making others around me happier just by the right delivery of kindness and empathy. I've lived the sharp high of churning through work ahead of my deadlines and have underwent the ironic enjoyment of rigidly structuring my day. These, I believe, are but a few sources of true happiness I can tap into if I put my mind to it. I want to experience these feelings more often; I want to be a machine that works through my future without sacrificing my positive perception of myself.

And it is at this very moment, that I declare for myself a contract. I know I mustn't give in to my fear of betting my will to achieve happiness on strict guidelines that can be so easily broken. Firstly, I will indeed make this contract strict in its demands and make myself follow them; however, the contract will work on a 3 strike system. After the third strike, it is to be administered again but with a penalty, which I will devise by the end of the week. Also, the contract will be optimized for productivity as priority, but will still be paced and have designated relax time. Designated times will also be set either weekly or biweekly for optimizing said schedule. Should sudden changes occur or be desired, optimization of schedule will take no more than 30 minutes of the relax time. Sleep schedules will not be specified unless a sense of sleep deprivation occurs. The contract will last 100 days and can only be broken if and only if the following criteria are met:

1. Emergency
2. These occur:
1. Death
2. Fatal Disease/Injury
3. Mental or emotional instability
4. Values are severely compromised
3. I achieve all I've ever wanted for the time being

I keep my secrets very closely. And my dreams (due to previous experiences) have always been kept as closely as my deepest secrets. This hurts me for multiple reasons:  I cannot express my desires to people who want me to succeed and I cannot unclog the mess of hopes in my head (cathartically, that is).

I've torn down many of my dream-kingdoms before. It's always painful, and I consider myself foolish for not knowing which dreams to hold on to and which to let go. But to hell with it, I'll document them here:

I'd be...

1. A professional touring musician that oppose cookie-cutter pop culture (I'm really against it)
2. I'd speak out on issues unabashedly on social media
3. I'd use said social media a ton, interacting with people on comment sections randomly
4. I'd write songs that are a mixture of the artists I admire:
1. ES – Looping a P
2. BM – Thickness of production
3. LdM & Jonsi – Percussion
4. SAL – Melody (maybe instrumentation)
5. Jazz, electronic, and loads of Indie influences
6. LO Jr., maybe SM % AC – vocally
7. TOP – subjects from time to time
8. SAL, TOP, rap, some ES, and more – Lyrically
9. Me – Fashion, music theory wise, everywhere
10. Shows and performances have a definite atmosphere, and kinda casual
11. Use soundscapes as single instruments.
12. W – Rap rhythms
13. There may be more
5. I'd animate my own music videos (with a team of course)
6. I'd create short grooves that's copyright free
7. I'd create joke songs
8. I'd keep more popular music and more esoteric music separate
9. I'd keep writing essays and speak out
10. I'd reinvent the wheel